By Ms Teo Yan Wen, Principal Clinical Psychologist; and Mr Loy Xingqi, Clinical Psychologist, Department of Clinical Psychology, CGH
Think about a time when work deadlines were unrealistically tight, when you had a disagreement with a colleague or when you missed a promotion. What did the inner chatter in your mind sound like? Perhaps you recall saying to yourself, “You could have done more!” or “Why do I have to suffer?”
Everyone has an inner critic that may dish out pessimistic and excessively critical judgements about ourselves. Sometimes, we think that being harsh on ourselves drives us to do better. But in the process, it can create self-doubt and negativity, and make us feel overwhelmed as we try to achieve our goals. In addition, we may believe that hardships should not happen to us or that we are the only ones going through painful experiences.
Self-compassion is defined as the manner of relating to oneself in a gracious, constructive and mindful manner during times of suffering and failure, according to US researcher Dr Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas in Austin. It comprises three main components:
Simply put, self-compassion is about offering yourself the kindness, warmth and understanding that you would offer a good friend when you encounter challenges, feelings of inadequacy or failures.
Many studies have found that the presence of self-compassion is strongly associated with decreased levels of depression, anxiety and fear of failure. It also promotes psychological well-being, including increased optimism, curiosity and connectedness. People who engage in such practices are more open to admitting mistakes, modifying unproductive behaviours and taking on new challenges. Therefore, doing so can help one cope better with stress and experience an increased sense of competence and effectiveness at work.
‘Self-compassion’ differs from ‘self-care’, which refers to the practice of doing things for the betterment of one’s body and mind. While engaging in self-care is important, its effectiveness hinges on possessing self-compassion and showing yourself kindness when doing so.
Separating myth from fact when it comes to sparing a thought for yourself.
Self-compassion will make me soft or weak.
Fact: Self-compassion isn’t weakness; it’s self-kindness and acceptance. Though it may feel uncomfortable for those used to self-criticism — especially if past vulnerability led to rejection — it’s a powerful tool. Recognising that setbacks are normal, especially during tough times, self-compassion helps us recover with encouragement rather than harsh self-judgement or comparisons.
Self-compassion undermines my motivation.
Fact: Self-criticism may seem motivating and helps to build resilience, but it’s often counterproductive in the long-term, leading to feelings of defeat. Self-compassion, however, keeps us aligned with our values and fosters holistic self-improvement. It helps us find intrinsic motivation through purpose and meaning in our work, rather than fixating solely on specific tasks or goals.
Self-compassion is the same as selfishness, since we focus on our needs.
Fact: Self-compassion isn’t selfishness. By addressing our emotional needs, we become more aware and satisfied, and this in turn allows us to recharge. This enables us to better care for others and empathise with their struggles.
This could support a kinder inner dialogue, reduce stress and improve overall well-being at work.
The next time you feel inadequate or alone in your suffering, gently invite your mind to lean towards words of kindness and compassion, and notice how that might make a difference in addressing that challenge in your life!
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